thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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