..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Randomize
