I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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