I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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