omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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