barbara walters just said penis...
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
