I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
