I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
