Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
