I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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