How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
