bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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