I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Someone came in the potted fern
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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