The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
