apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
