It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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