You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
