12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
