I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
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