im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
