When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
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Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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