dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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