There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
