just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
