listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
