I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
