She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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