is your mom at the bar?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
