You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
