Your face is a jimmy john
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
