mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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