Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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