she woke up with a sticky ear
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
