4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
