Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
