I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
