she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
