So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
