Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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