did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
