My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
