The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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