the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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