1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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