I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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