i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
