Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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