Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
