I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
