You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
