I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
