Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
