You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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