and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
