Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
