Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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