The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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