What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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