Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
